Born to Die - Chapter 5 - Hhenesc - Harry Potter (2024)

Chapter Text

Sirius cannot wait. He's buzzing with excitement, sweating with nerves. For the past few weeks, he has not been able to sneak out and see James. He hasn't gone that long without seeing his best friend since he was ten years old. He tried to get out a few times, but was warned by many that it was not safe. He would be caught, and taken back almost immediately as he entered town. Someone had stationed guards everywhere in town. He wisely turned back every time and headed back up to his room to cry himself to sleep.

But this morning, he was finally going to do it. It was early enough that no one was awake in the castle except the house elves, and even that chance was slim. He heard from a servant that the guards were only now being stationed at night, and with his good behavior, would soon (hopefully) be gone for good. He desperately hopes he did not cause anyone in town too much trouble.

Sirius puts on his boots, and the rest of his outfit, before opening the door quietly. He slips out, tiptoeing down the hallway. He's doing well, until he hears a door creak open behind him. He turns, very slowly, only to see Regulus peeking his head out the door. His curls are tousled from sleep, and his eyes are swollen from the same.

The brothers look at each other, communicating with their eyes without having to say a word. Regulus knows where he is going, does not have to ask.

Sirius watches as Regulus pulls himself back inside. He lets out the breath he had been holding, and gets back on his journey.

On his way through the castle, he stops by the nurse's room. It's stocked with all sorts of potions, so he gathers up the ones he thinks are most vital. Hopefully he can give them out to someone if he sees they really need it.

When he goes to the kitchens, he also collects some pastries and fruit to hand out as well. He munches down on one himself before leaving out the backdoor.

Sirius skips the whole way there. He feels joyous. He cannot believe he is about to see James. He thought this moment would never come. He crawls through a hole in the fence, under a bundle of hedges, and over a rock wall before he is free. A path leads him to the edge of the forest, where he can follow the trees until he gets to the big red building he knows as the Weasleys shop.

He makes haste, carrying his feet as swiftly as they can take him. His cheeks hurt from the grin plastered on his face, and his pockets are heavy with their stock. But Sirius doesn't mind.

When he makes it to the edge of town and sees no guards and very few people, he rounds the corner to his favorite store. He cups his hands to look in, seeing the lights off at such an early hour. He smiles at the sight, still, and continues on soon after. He cannot wait to see his best friend.

First though, he must drop off his treats. He sees a man sitting on a stairwell leading up to a sort of apartment building he's never entered. His head lays against the wall and he looks tired. Sirius approaches him cautiously, holding out a muffin in a sign of surrender. The man grunts and shoos him off.

“Here, take it.”

“Piss off boy, I don't need your pity or your fancy food.”

Sirius had never thought of muffins as fancy, and he doesn't want to bother the man, but he’s not just going to leave either. So, he compromises and leaves the muffin on the fourth step beneath his feet. He turns, walking around the corner so he can see the man, but the man can’t see him. The man looks at it like it might hurt him, but seems curious nonetheless. He eventually leans down, picks it up, and brings it to his nostrils. He seems to like the smell, because his mouth drops open and before Sirius knows it, the wrapper is being torn off and the man is scarfing down the muffin in one bite.

Sirius smiles and leaves him be.

It takes him ten minutes to get where he needs to be. There is an alley that connects to a circle of buildings, leaving a small, but usually empty lot in the middle. It’s hidden, and can only be seen from inside. It also has easy exit if necessary, so it’s perfect for underground sales.

This is where Sirius got his poster from. This is also where Sirius knows he can give the sellers anything they like, and they will sell it to people who actually need it. That's what he hopes, at least. He doesn't know beyond the point of transaction where his potions actually go.

Sirius slips through the slim alley and down a bumpy path until he makes it to the circle. He expects it to be empty. Usually he comes, waits a moment, and then someone will crawl some from a hatch in the window, down the fire escape, and take whatever he gives them.

But today, it's not empty.

There is a boy directly opposite him, a white stick in his hand. He is tall, with shaggy brown hair that is trimmed on the sides with pretty eyes. He has a scar across his nose and cheek, which are sunken in and bruised, like he’s awfully tired. He has a white stick between his teeth that is glowing orange at the tip. Sirius wonders what this is. His tan body is adorned in a gray t-shirt and ratty jeans. They are both a bit too small for him, and Sirius can see both his ankles and the strip of skin on his torso. It makes Sirius take a quick breath in at the sight.

Sirius meets his eyes as soon as a cloud of smoke covers his face. He’s never seen this sort of dragon magic before, but he likes it. He wants to know more about this boy. He’s looking at Sirius darkly, eyebrows pressed curiously.

Sirius steps forward slowly and lifts a hand to wave. He had never seen this man take any of the potions he’s brought, but perhaps he is new. He does look young, maybe the same age as Sirius.

“Hello. Were you–ah, looking for potions?”

The man immediately takes up a straighter posture and looks at him fiercely, “What?”

His tone is sharp and deep and he's now approaching swiftly and Sirius doesn't know what to do. From the one word, he can hear a strange accent, one he’s never heard from anyone in town.

“Oh. I just thought…sometimes I give the sellers potions so they can–”

“Who are you? How’d you know?”

“I didn't. But I'm happy to give them to you if you need…what do you need?”

The man is close to him now, only a foot or two away. He smells of smoke and woods and boy. Sirius likes it and takes a deep breath in. He’s tall, almost abnormally so, making Sirius want to comment on it, but he knows that wouldn't be taken very well. The man is looking at him like he's a threat, and Sirius almost feels guilty. He doesn't want anyone to feel unsafe around him, ever.

“I asked who you are.”

Sirius takes a step back as the man steps forward and feels his spine hit something. He’d been backed into the wall. This man isn’t protruding danger, per se, but there is something in his eyes that interests Sirius deeply. And he’s willing to egg the man on if it gets him more information about him.

“I'm Sirius.”

The man looks like he's deep in thought, tracing his memory to when he’s heard the name before. Apparently he hasn't, because he doesn't ask again.

“Why do you have potions in your pocket and why are you giving them out for free?”

“I took them,” Sirius says, and it's not a lie. But this boy doesn't seem to realize he’s the prince, and he's going to keep it that way as long as he can. He has a feeling this won’t go over well if he finds out, “And I just want to help. As I said, if you want any, I'm happy to give them to you.”

“...What do you have?”

Definitely an accent, Sirius thinks. The boy blends together words and lifts the ends of his sentences like a question. It’s serene in a way, almost like the lilt of a song.

“Some healing potions, a sleeping potion, and something that’s supposed to mend bones and bruises.”

The man squints his eyes suspiciously, peering forward and looming over Sirius. His breath catches in his throat. A shadow is cast over the man's eyes and they seem to be glowing gold. Sirius finds it beautiful. But, he takes the hint that this man is either too stubborn to ask, or too suspicious to even try, so Sirius reaches into his pocket with both hands and cradles the containers in his fingers.

“Here,” he holds them, pressing them to the man's chest. They jostle and Sirius shivers at the deep contrast of cool glass and hot flesh. The man's shirt is soft, and his stomach is hard under it, surely fit with muscle, “Take them. Or don't, and let someone else. But I’m not going to continue to go back and forth with a stubborn prick who wont take help every once in a while.”

The man's eyes thin and now his chest is against Sirius’s, a sneer on his pink lips. His chest is heaving and Sirius can smell him even stronger now, “You better watch your tone, you prancy f*ck.”

Sirius hums and smiles up at him. He's not sure why, but he quite likes this. The man's hands are on either side of his head, trapping him inside, but he doesn't feel afraid. Adrenaline is coursing through his veins and he instead feels excited. He also can't deny that the man is…attractive, to say the least. If danger and heat can be classified as such. “Look, if you don't want them, I’ll just…”

He turns, and begins to slip out of his position, when the man lowers his arm right next to his ear. He leans forward, face awfully close to Sirius’s own, and whispers something against his cheek. Sirius’s heart is pounding so rapidly, he fears the man can feel it. The heat of breath on his cheek is practically overwhelming, and Sirius needs to do something with this information, but he doesn't know what. Hes only just met this man and hes already filled with desire to simply be in his presence. Like chasing that rush of adrenaline.

“Don't. I'll take these potions and repay you on Friday. I trust that you won't tell anyone about this?”

Sirius isn't sure why it would be that big of a deal, seeing as plenty of people buy from underground markets, but nods.

“You don't have to pay me, I–”

“I don't believe you. Besides, all these potions are more than I'm worth. I’ll owe you a debt I can’t afford to owe, and I don't want that on my conscience. I’ll give you what I can on Friday, and that’s it. Got it?”

Sirius nods reluctantly. The man's breath still warms his face, and his chest is still rising and falling against his own. He knows his own cheeks are flushed from the contact, but can’t bother to be embarrassed about it. He'd also rather not have this man pay him, and just take his word, but knows he won’t in the end.

After a few seconds, the boy steps away, takes the potion bottles in hand, and steps away. He looks back once he enters the alley, but turns quickly back around when he sees Sirius’s eyes already on him. Sirius, for the first time in ten minutes, lets out a huge breath of air. He’s panting for some reason, and feels like he's just run a marathon. His stomach is fluttering, and he’s sweating again.

Sirius stands there for a moment before continuing his journey. He only realizes once he starts walking that he doesn't know the boy’s name.

*****

He's cautious when entering the premises this time. It's light, so he sees much more clearly than before, but is still weary of the looming forest ahead. He's waiting for a gang of masks to pop from the brush and chase him away again. But nothing happens. The birds are chirping and the familiar house of his best friend is still basking in the sunlight.

Sirius marches down the driveway like a shoulder, gravel crunching under his feet. At first, he is going to go to the front door and knock. After second thought, he diverges off to the right of the house and down, until he gets to the fifth window, which he knows is James’s. Sirius’s heart is pounding with excitement as he steps on top of a flower box, and onto the window sill. It's unlocked, so he slips it open and jumps inside, landing quietly on his feet.

Sirius smiles when his eyes find his best friend. He’s half naked, sleeping peacefully on his big bed in the corner of the room. His sheets are red, darker in the spot under his mouth where drool has collected. His hair is a bird's nest, swopped and messy and tangled, which is also how it looks when he's awake. Half his blanket is on the floor and he has a hand sprawled across his bare chest.

Sirius looks around his lovely room for the first time in a month. He has all sorts of things that Sirius has only ever seen here. Posters of people he’s never met, wearing numbered shirts, flying on brooms. He has colorful pillows and plants and flowers all over. A dresser full of clothes that Sirius loves more than anything and drawings that Sirius drew for him hung on the wall.

Sirius crouches in front of his best friend so their eyes level and their faces are close. He pokes James in the forehead. He makes a sound of protest, and shakes his head, burying it farther into the pillows.

“James,” Sirius hisses.

“Ungh.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and hanks at a strand of hair, then prods at his chest. James’s eyes are closed, and perhaps he thinks this is a dream, because he smiles when Sirius pokes a particularly sensitive spot.

A ticklish laugh shouts from him and then he's opening his eyes. James immediately sits up, eyes wide, and surges forward to wrestle Sirius onto the floor, wrapping him in a bear hug.

Sirius tries to breath as James rolls them all over the carpeted floor, whooping and crying in hysterics.

“Sirius! Oh, I missed you, I missed you! Where the f*ck where you?! I was so worried, I thought you died. It was so difficult, mom and dad made me do all the chores myself. And I could barley live without you. I was all alone!”

He breaks into tears again and chokes out a wet laugh too. He hadn't expected to cry, but James spurred it on. He made him realize how much Sirius had missed his friend.

They are curled on the mattress, James spooning Sirius after he has told the whole story. An hour has passed—of emotions and silence and talking—and Sirius is exhausted. James cried more when Sirius told him the truth of almost getting caught, and hugged him twice as powerful than he usually does. And that is saying something.

“You have to be more careful, Pads.”

“I know,” Sirius says, sitting up and bringing James with him so they sit across from each other with crossed legs, “That's why I had an idea.”

James raises an eyebrow, telling him to continue.

“I was thinking we need to practice more with our animagus forms. I know it take a lot of energy, but I think we can do it, especially since we managed to do it in the first place. We’ve been able to do this for a year and it wasn't like we went through all that for nothing. I think we should practice, and master it, so I can eventually just turn into a dog to get here. It would be much, much easier.”

“Yeah, you're right. I just…I mean, if the guards see you on the grounds, they'll kill you, you know. So it can only be when your outside, in the woods, probably.”

Sirius nods in agreement. The boys, along with Peter, had gone through the long process of becoming animagi a whole entire year ago. They had been bored one day, and Sirius brought up that his favorite teacher was one. He brought all the books he could find on it, and they went to work. It was hard, and Sirius still isn't sure how they managed to do it, but they did.

Peter was a rat, Sirius was a dog , and James a stag.

Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.

The problem was, for Sirius, that Voldemort and his family had some sort of vendetta against black dogs. The Grim, they called it. It was a sign of bad luck and death. Any sign that had any chance of stealing power from them was to be exterminated immediately. So, while it was dangerous for Sirius to sneak around as a human boy, it was even worse as a big black dog. Besides, every one of the boys had barely used their power since, because it stole so much energy from them to transform. The process itself was painful enough the first time, and they didn't really want to go through that again.

But Sirius thought that maybe if he could get through the castle, outside of the grounds, and into the town, he would be fine to get to the Potters without getting caught. As far as he knew, none of the townspeople had anything against dogs, and he was pretty sure the guards would do anything when they were trying to keep an eye on people.

So first, he needed to know how to master the art of transforming into a dog.

That was for another day, though.

Today, Sirius would enjoy his first day back in the world.

Soon after their conversation, James took him to the kitchen. His mother and father gave him tight hugs and kissed his forehead, telling him how glad they were that he was okay. He ate breakfast with the family, sipping orange juice, eating greasy bacon and eggs, buttered toast and berries. It was absolutely and most definitely the best meal he'd ever had. He told Euphemia and Fleamont everything that happened, but not to worry. It would not be happening again, that was certain. During breakfast, he decided to bring up a topic he simply could not stop thinking about.

“You guys know lots of people in town, right?”

Both parents nod and smile at him. It's warm and lovely. Sirius remembers his promise not to tell about the potions, so he leaves that part out when asking about him.

“Do you know the name of a boy with lots of scars? He has brown hair, and he’s quite tall, and handsome too…”

He sees Effie and Monty look at each other, a question in their eyes. When Euphemia turns back, she shakes her head.

“I'm not sure I do, Sirius. But I’ll tell you what, there's a lady in town, Rosmerta, who owns a bar called the Hogs Head. It's closer to the back streets than I would like for you to be, but she knows everybody. Next time you have the chance, stop by and give her the description. I’m sure she'll give you a name.”

Sirius nods, grateful, and continues with the rest of his food.

Sirius and James talk for hours. After breakfast, they head outside behind the house to the large, ancient willow in the back yard. It bark is pale but its branches still hold strong. Sirius steps into a worn notch at the base, crawling up the thick root, scraping his fingernails against the woods. His hands fall onto a branch, his foot onto another, until his bottom hits the biggest one, that sits like a bench over the sky. He scoots down, straddling the base, and lets the other boy crawl after him. Sirius traces his fingers over the carving in the wood.

JP + SB

Sirius smiles, feeling the groves and bumps of his elder, fingerprints marking their territory, memories embedded in its bark. This is his home. Sirius leans back until his head his wood. This takes balance, but after years, he does it with ease. James’s back hits the trunk of the tree and Sirius hear him sigh out a big breath, relaxed and sated after a morning of exhausting emotions.

“I really missed you.”

“I missed you too. I’m sorry it took so long.”

“Don't be sorry, Padfoot. Never be sorry.”

Sirius hums and begins to swing his legs back and forth.

“So…who’s this mystery man?” Sirius cannot help the smile that spreads its way onto his face, making his cheeks ache. His squeezes his abs to sit back up and faces James with a grin. “Oh sh*t. You like him?”

SIrius bites his lip, “No. Yes. I said no less than ten words to him.”

James lets out a barking laugh and swats Sirius’s knee. Then he nods his head, urgent for more information.

“Okay, so I was giving out these potions, and I saw him standing there, looking all mysterious. He had this scar across his nose, and these gold eyes and I swear…I know it sounds weird but it was so hot. Like, I could not breathe. And then he came forward, all menacing, asking questions like he was this brooding guy. And ugh, his voice, oh my f*ck, his voice.”

James is full on cackling now, and Sirius would be worried about him falling off the tree if not for the embarrassment in which he just caused himself. He did not mean to say all that. Of course he thought it but…he hadn't realized how passionate he was about the topic until he started spewing out facts like the kid was a god or something.

“Pads, youre f*cked.”

Sirius groans and covers his red face. He doesn't even like this guy. Does he? Sure, he was attractive and smelled good and had this vibe about him that made him seem dangerous, yet calm and phlegmatic all at once…

Okay, so maybe Sirius was a little bit f*cked. He barely knew this guy and he was already falling for him. This had never happened before, seeing as he rarely ever had interaction outside of James and the castle. He had only realized he likes guys because he had never had thoughts about girls, only ever guys. Imaginary guys, of course, because there had never been a good example except for James and Peter, who were his friends. Sirius remembers telling James, scared and feeling small. Then he remembers feeling on top of the world after James gave him a huge hug, tears in his eyes and told Sirius he loved him no matter what. Sirius thinks he cried that day more than he ever had.

Sirius and James talked about the mystery boy far longer than socially exceptable, then about everything Sirius missed while he was away. James was home schooled, and passed a big test that he had lots of nerves about. He also practiced some healing skills with his mom, and now knew how to stitch a cut together with his own two hands. Conversation drifted between topics until eventually, Sirius realized that so much time had passed, the sky was in the beginning shades of pink and purple.

“Oh sh*t.”

Sirius and James both go wide eyed, jumping from the tree and scrambling back home. Sirius had been gone all day, and he hadn't even realized it. He doubted his parents would notice, as they rarely had meals together, but knew that Regulus certainly would

Sirius slips on his shoes and wraps James in a big hug.

“I love you, I will see you tomorrow if I'm not dead.”

“Don't say that. And I love you too.”

Sirius sighs, says his goodbyes to Effie and Monty, and is out the door within a moment. He runs past the hedges, continues to the wooded path, past the town, over the stone wall, through the second set of hedges and into the holed fence, all within record time. He shoots through the kitchen, throws off his shoes and races up to his bedroom. When he gets there, he sees his laundry has been collected, the bed has been made, and the desk has been organized. He should be grateful, but hates it all. He has told everyone they needn't touch his room, and that he could do it himself. But they insist. He hates that they feel they owe him something.

Sirius flops onto his bed and realizes only then that his stomach is rumbling and that him and James both skipped lunch. It was almost dinner, but Sirius was too tired to get up at this point. Sirius closed his eyes and imagined the people in the town. The people who went to bed hungry every night, the people who had no food in their pantry. He saw all the wealth he had and immediately felt as though he shouldn't have any of it. So he curled into himself, and went to bed hungry. It helped no one, it did nothing, and Sirius knew he was only doing it because he didn't want to get up. But a part of him wished and hoped and prayed that maybe someday, if he ever got power begins being puppeteered, he would change everything for the be